It is in the business of life that we forget where we are.
It will be a full week tomorrow that my kids have been at Grandma’s house visiting. A full week of solace, solitude and alone-ness, just being with my work, my own habits and my own thoughts and emotions. The first of this kind in over two years…
Observing what I do alone, and why and how. Where are my feelings at? where are my inspirations and motivations at? It’s quite enlightening at least in small amounts (especially and ironically being the last week of the year).
This week it’s helped me to see where I’m at with honest eyes. That the nature of life carrying on the way it does after people you love die tending to preoccupy autopilot and the organic nature that occurs of forgetting to be present for it, forgetting to make intentional choices rather than falling victim to the day to day activities of the aftermath of chaos.
I’ve remembered how much I love my kids, how much i enjoy their sounds, smells and presence. As parents we need this, as widows and widowers we need it even more. I’ve remembered what it feels like to get lost in a book, and what it feels like to breathe in between tasks… and remember that every choice is a choice, and not a fucking emergency.
I’ve been witnessing my habits, seeing how grief, aftermath and uncertainty have been playing out for me in the past several months. Reaction reaction reaction. Damn it feels good to respond.
I’ve played with where I was two years ago when I felt “connected” in comparison to how i’ve felt in recent months. As if God somehow magically disappeared in the ignorance of my pain and horror. God didn’t disappear… But my call for love and my call for wisdom has been monumental.
I’ve thought deeply about my relationships with others and how they’ve changed. It’s a common thread for those of us who’ve had great loss to feel as if no one understands our pain, and with that truth the light of forgiveness also means That just the same those beautiful people that walk in our lives who do not understand… do not understand and that is the beginning essence of real forgiveness…. “When you know better, you do better” ~ Maya Angelou
The amazingness that comes from solitude and allowing yourself to be in observation of yourself is a painful blessing if you’re willing to be honest with yourself. Get past the bantering and the self criticism and then you get to see your own automatics, your own lies, and the audacious honesty of what is yourself, a blessing in it’s shadow just waiting patiently until we’re ready to hear what it has to say.
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